Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
