I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You did what with his pubic hair?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
