White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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