never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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