what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
