Will you blow on my dice?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
