My liver just broke up with me...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
