I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
