You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We have started to decorate penises.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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