Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
