i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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