i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
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