it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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