I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
