Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
