She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
