i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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