I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Ladies don't puke and tell
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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