he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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