dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize