Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
