i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
