How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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