Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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