You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
