Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
