Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
