I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
