somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
