chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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