I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
