Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
