Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
