weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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