Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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