eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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