The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
