I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
