You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I want a musical about memes.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
