I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
