i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
