sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
