so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
