does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
