Don't make out with my wife yet
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
