I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
and she was petting her beer can
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
