You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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