My friends, they love my intelligence
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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