Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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