if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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