what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
