Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
