woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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