Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
