So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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