If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Oh god it's open bar.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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