You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
