i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
