Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
God, I missed his penis.
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