he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
