I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
