high people should be assigned attendants
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
