i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I believe in your delicious
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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