New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I checked into jail on foursquare
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
