So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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