for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize