she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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