I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
