Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I need moral support for this bender
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
try to milk me bitch
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